been awhile since my last blog. I'm surprised I remembered the username and password! I feel like I am still in limbo. I did move into my new house, 8 months ago. I still have a lot of boxes unpacked, I have picked out paint colors, but that is as far as it gets. In 3 years I hope to retire and move where it is warm in the winter. At this rate I won't have to repack! I still cry a couple days a week, still fighting depression.
Still say every weekend "I miss my Nick" and can't believe it has been 5 years in 1 week. It just doesn't seem that long ago. I feel like I am in limbo, just waiting for something.

I still can't make a decision. I still work at the same company. I had 15 minutes before I was out of there. Another department came and said they wanted me. I had said good byes,planned on going to Fl after the house was emptied. Now here it is 10 months later. I still hate my company. I hate the work. The management is better here.
I still miss Nick. So much. and my brother Johm. I wonder where they are right now. If they ever think about me.

You know the song, I'd have no luck at all. I was lucky to have pneumonia when I did, I was told yesterday that my last day at work would be Oct 24th. I guess I can count myself lucky because the lady next to me was walked out without any warning. She is in her 50's and deaf. I hope she can find another job.
I am not sure what I am going to do. I have to put my house up for sale. I had been looking for awhile, I knew this new job wasn't working out as well as I had hoped.
I can't focus. It is tedious, boring and very detailed. I didn't put enough spaces, I put too many spaces I didn't capitalize that letter, I capitalized that letter when I shouldn't have. I am not allowed to correct spelling, I have to type it as it is written.
I have 5 1/2 weeks to find a new job, sell my house and be ready to move on. where ever that may be.
I need my support group. meaning Nick. I really need him.

My nephew was married in Aug.
My sister has a blog, she's the one that doesn't talk to the rest of us. We keep tabs on her thru her blog.
She wishes Aunts and non-siblings happ birthdays and anniversaries on her website.
I am mad at her again. She has not once acknowledged his wedding. I know she could have gotten the message because it went out on the family Yahoo group.
I am probably over reacting, but it really pisses me off. I hate to see her ignore her nieces and nephews, since she was such a big part of their lives when they were young. Now she just drops out of their lives. For 8 years now. Maybe she did not get an invitation, maybe he has forgotten her. What a waste for both of them. They are both worth knowing.

I was listening to a talk show on NPR. As usual I missed the first part. But they were interviewing a lady who had just written a book and who had similar experiences to mine.
Her husband had died about 2 years ago after living with a traumatic brain injury from a car wreck about the same time Nick had his first wreck.
I wanted to listen to all of it. But I was on my lunch half hour and did not want to go back to work all red eyed from crying.
I listened to most of it, it could have been me the stories were so similar. Except he was bedridden for all that time. Nick was able to walk about, even if it was wobbly and he could use 1 arm.
But her emotions were just like mine.
She explained how he was different in so many ways after his accident. He was not the same as before, physical or personality.
She never got to grieve over the loss of the person she knew before because she was so busy caring for him.
She put it into words I can't. I never got to grieve for the loss of Nick, the first one. I have said it was like losing the same person twice. I never got to grieve over the first loss, and the second time I lost him I never got to say goodbye. I got to tell him I loved him.
But since his body was so mangled, we never saw him dead. Just a little box with his ashes. I am not sure I trust his ashes were in there. But I have always gone along with it because it is comforting to think we at least grieved over his ashes at his funeral.
I wish I knew who she was so I could get her book and read it in privacy of my bedroom.
Where I can cry all I want and not have to hold it back. And maybe being able to hear some of the words she uses I can put some of my own emotions into some kind of sense I can understand.